Marsember.

Second city of Cormyr.

Here we find the powerful rubbing elbows with the meek. Here the tall ships come bringing wealth and wonders from the far corners of The Realms. Here we also find the humble house of Roscoe Underhill. Living in Roscoe's house these many months are the adventurers Coltan the mage, Iceal the monk, Milo the rogue/sorcerer, Ragnar the paladin, and Tarn the barbarian/cleric/templar/etc./etc. They have just returned from a harrowing day of shopping and have found a new ornament in the living room.

"Who put a tree in the living room." Iceal asks.

"Wasn't there this morning." Milo chimes in.

"Maybe we should kill it." Tarn adds.

"Whoa Momma." Ragnar says checking his mirror.

The party does the usual checking for magic, traps, and treasure and comes up empty. Tarn pushes against the tree causing it to fall over against the wall. Milo, seeing the holes in the drywall shakes his head and is glad they do not have a security deposit that can be revoked.

Coltan then exits the kitchen, clad in bathrobe and bunny slippers. He downs two tablets of "Xeous' headache remedy" and washes them down with rotgut.

"Guys, the next time you leave a tree in the living room, warn me." Colton says, rubbing a purplish bruise on his forehead. His housemates attempt to explain the mysterious nature of the appearance of the tree when there is a knock at the door. Milo looks through the peephole and announces the visitors as a contingent of Lord Idool's personal guard. "Good." Says Tarn; "I need to restock the bar."

Again, in the receiving room of Lord Idool, Tarn and Iceal clean out the bar. Tarn then shows Iceal how to hold his bottle without sticking his pinky in the air.

"Makes you look like a damn queer."

Idool then enters, clad in black silks and drinking from a brandy snifter.

"Thank you for coming so promptly. I need you for a very...delicate mission." Idool seats himself and takes a drink. "The city of Arabel to the north is ruled by a gorgeous creature named Myrmeen Lhal. I desire to woo Myrmeen and have just heard she is in need of a party of adventurers. So, I want you to go to Arabel and make it clear I have sent you out of the goodness of my heart to help her in her time of need. Thus, she will deduce I am a sensitive and caring man whom she may cling to, in spirit as well as in body."

"That's your plan? An adventuring party? Why not some candies and flowers?" Tarn asks.

"No no no. Myrmeen is an independent, strong-willed woman. Frippery will not impress her." Idool says, wagging his finger. "Please leave at once."

The party departs the palace and prepares to head north. They gather their adventuring gear and are about to debark in the Mudship when Tarn tells them to wait a minute; he has forgotten something. Ten minutes pass as Tarn reappears carrying a full-length mirror in a carved wooden frame.

"Looks expensive." Milo says. "What do we need that for?"

"As a present." Tarn answers.

"How much did it cost." Iceal asks.

"Nothing. I charged it to Idool."

"Who-ha-HE!" Ragnar exclaims as he poses in front of the mirror.

The drive (sail?) to Arabel is uneventful. Scaring farmers and mooning high school chicks is fun for only so long. Approaching Arabel, the party sees a lightly fortified city, smaller than Marsember. Just as Milo is about to ask Tarn where they should park the boat, Tarn goes, "Ar-OOOH-gah!! Ar-OOOH-gah!! Dive! Dive!" The party barely has time to get inside the cabin before Tarn takes the Mudship underground.

"Damn. Need a drink after that one." Announces Iceal as he pulls the cork from a bottle with his teeth. Suddenly, the monk starts to turn purple and bug-eyed. Ragnar grabs Iceal from behind and gives him a bear-like hug. With explosive force, a cork flies out of Iceal's mouth, narrowly missing Pauly the weasel, who is playing cards in the corner with Puff, the companion of Ragnar.

"Don't swallow the damn cork, spit it out." Colton says as he pours himself a drink. "Amateurs."

Once the party can safely exit the cabin, they find themselves in a courtyard of a modest keep. Tarn is explaining to the guard captain that they are here to see Myrmeen Lhal and he should be quick about producing her. Milo looks around, sees scores of guards with drawn bows, and does his best impression of a bulkhead. However, no shafts fly and the keep's major domo, Arthur, tells the party to follow him. He leads them to a workout room where a middle-aged woman is working out with a sword and a practice dummy. Clad in halter-top and thong, sweat glistens from her tan skin. Her lean muscular body dances back and forth as she practices thrusts and parries and thrusts and thrusts... ...

...Where was I? Oh yeah, she gives the practice dummy a final stab and turns to the party.

"I am Myrmeen Lhal, what can I do for you?"

Tarn walks forward and places the mirror down.

"What is this?"

"A gift from Lord Idool of Marsember. He wishes for you to see the beauty that he sees when he gazes at you." Tarn says.

"Idool sent this?"

"Yes. He says your beauty is without compare. Your hair is like spun gold, your eyes like limpid pools, your lips like ripe pomegranates, your breasts like perfect grapefruit, your ass like..."

"IDOOL SAID THAT?!"

"Yup. Every word." Tarn says. "He also said you were in need of a party of adventurers."

"That I am." Myrmeen says. "Let me clean up and I'll join you in the study."

The party follows Arthur out and hears the unmistakable sounds of laughter from the gym.

In the study, the party makes short work of the bar, stripping it faster than a school of piranha going after a cow. Iceal grabs two or three books and plops down to read.

"I don't remember Idool saying the bit about limpid pools." Milo says to Tarn.

"Don't worry. I was just improvising. He'll be in like Flynn." Tarn says making a rude gesture.

Myrmeen enters freshly bathed, and steps up to the bar. Seeing it COMPLETELY EMPTY she calls for Arthur and berates him for not keeping the bar stocked with guests about. Arthur apologizes and leaves pulling the door shut.

"Could have sworn that bar was full this morning."

Myrmeen then seats herself and pulls out a silver medallion on a fine chain.

"Fifteen years ago, my son Lomaran left for school. He was nine years old then. I gave him this medallion the day he departed. He boarded a ship bound for Westgate and I never saw him again. Later wreckage was found, indicating that the ship had been attacked by pirates. No trace of my son was found."

"Now, two weeks ago, a party of gnomes baring a dead Purple Dragon and this necklace show up at one of the mountain outposts. They said that before he died, the soldier insisted the gnomes take his body and the necklace back to civilization. The outpost commander recognized my seal on the medallion and had it sent here."

"Now what I want to know is why my son's medallion was found in the mountains when by all rights it should be at the bottom of the sea. That's where you come in."

"How much do we get paid?" Tarn asks.

"What?"

"What's the reward. How much cash are you offering for the job? I've got a temple to build."

A look of confusion crosses Myrmeen's face, "I thought Idool sent you to help me."

"He did. We gave you the mirror, told you how much he likes you, and said we would help you out with a job. Now what I want to know is, what's in it for us?" Tarn says crossing his arms across his chest.

"ARTHUR!" Myrmeen bellows as she rises from her chair. As the major domo enters with a cart full of alcohol, Myrmeen tells him to show these "Mercenaries" out.

"Their services will not be required." Iceal rises and tries to explain to Myrmeen what Tarn actually meant, but gets the door slammed in his face for his troubles.

"Gentlemen, this way." Arthur says as he gestures the party to exit the study. He shuts the door to the study and shakes his head.

"Must be getting senile. Could have sworn I brought up a full cartload of drinks."

Once outside and sailing in the Mudship, Milo asks just what the fuck they were supposed to do now?

"We got kicked out before she had a chance to tell us the name of the fort."

"Relax, we'll just ask around. Someone should have the info we need. Besides, now all the loot we find is ours!" Tarn says.

"I don't know about you, but I need a drink." Iceal says going below.

After a few days of hitting the outlying hamlets vainly looking for a clue, the party was beginning to get discouraged. Then, all at once, the party falls to the deck, pain beyond belief radiating from the black rings they all wear. They all hear a voice in their heads,

The pain lessens enough for the party to stand, and they all have this overwhelming compulsion to return to Marsember and Lord Idool. Tarn swings the ship about and the pain recedes to a dull ache. They all try to remove the "free beer rings" but none are successful.

"This sucks throbbing moose dick." Colton says rubbing his knuckles.

Once back in Marsember, the party enters Lord Idool's keep and are fast tracked to the reception room. Inside Lord Idool is pacing about. He is wearing a fancy dress uniform with enough medals on it to keep a rust monster busy for a week. Tarn and Iceal immediately head for the bar when Idool turns and points.

"And we have had just about enough of THAT!"

Suddenly, both Iceal and Tarn fall to the ground, waves of pain washing over their bodies. The rest of the party begins to protest, but Idool waves his hand and yells, "SILENCE!" At once, no one can speak. Colton notices that Idool is wearing a black ring identical to the ones the party wears.

"Where should I begin?" Idool says, pacing back and forth.

"As I recall, I sent you to Arabel as a gift to Myrmeen Lhal with orders to do whatever she asked of you. You were to impress upon her that I sent you to her as a token of my high esteem."

"When did I tell you to give her a mirror? And I do NOT recall telling you her breasts reminded me of grapes..."

"Grapefruit." Milo chimes in helpfully.

"Grapes, grapefruit, apples, WHATEVER! I did NOT give you permission to compare her body to fruit or food or ANYTHING!"

"So. Now I want you to go back to Arabel, apologize to Lord Lhal, and do WHATEVER she tells you. And you will do it for free." "Now GO!"

The party finds themselves running for their Mudship with no control over their actions. Once there and under sail to Arabel, the constant throbbing ache they have been feeling goes away. However, they all get the impression that if they deviate from Lord Idool's orders that they would quickly sicken and die.

"Man this SUCKS!" Milo interjects, "I ain't no ones butt-boy. We have to get rid of these rings."

"Well said, but right now we need to complete the present mission, and later when we have breathing room, figure out what to do." Colton says.

"Right. Who wants a drink?" Iceal says pulling out a bottle.

Back in Arabel, the party does the "Mudship in the courtyard" game again. This time however, Myrmeen Lhal meets the party in the courtyard.

"What in the Nine Hells are you doing back here?" Myrmeen asks.

"We apologize for the recent unpleasantness and ask that you do not hold this against Lord Idool. We have come to offer our services on a pro bonnie basis." Iceal says.

"Yeah, now tell us the name of the fort and quit wasting our time." Tarn says.

"Fort Silas, north and west of here." Myrmeen answers.

"Fine, now we can go."

"Fine."

"FINE."

The party then exits in their Mudship, heading for the frontier.

Fort Silas is an enclosed outpost where the Stormhorns meet the Thunderpeak Mountains in Northwest Cormyr. From a distance, the party can see many score of Purple Dragons adding extra fortifications including spike filled pits and extra battlements. Tarn again calls out, "Arr-OOHH-gah!"

"Here we go again." Milo says beating the rest of the party into the cabin before Tarn submerges the boat.

When it is safe to exit, they see Tarn has brought the boat out of the earth keeping the deck flush with the ground. Again, every Purple Dragon in sight has drawn bow and sword and have the business ends pointed in the party's general direction. Before things turn ugly, however, Ragnar quickly checks his hair and announces, "Hey boy, we're here as special envoys of the Lord of Arabel, thank you, thank you very much." Dazzled by his display, the fort commander invites the party inside. There he proceeds to tell them of the increase in giant raiding activity and how it has put all the border outposts on high alert. He also tells the party the story of how a party of gnomes brought a dead knight and a silver necklace to the fort. The gnomes say the knight was near death when they found him and he made them promise to take the necklace to the fort. He was incoherent near the end, and his last words were a warning about fire or flames. The rest of the six-man patrol is still MIA. The commander gives the party a map of the region, points out the landmarks, and wishes them good luck.

The next day the party heads into the foothills and the mountain pass. Winter has already come to the mountains, but with an enchanted boat, travel is the least of the party's worries. Just as the party is about to leave the foothills for the higher trails, two groups of five ogres break from the tree line on either side of the Mudship. Tarn calls for, "All stop. Prepare to repel boarders." Milo turns invisible saying, "Please, no trolls, anything but trolls."

Colton ducks inside the cabin, Iceal grabs his crossbow, and Ragnar checks his hair.

"Man I'm pretty."

Tarn jumps down and attacks a group of ogres. Milo and Iceal let fly with missile weapons. Suddenly, the Mudship is rocked by bowling ball-sized hail. Milo, Iceal and Ragnar are heavily wounded. Ragnar decides he would have better luck with the ogres and engages the group opposite Tarn. Milo looks up and gulps. High overhead he sees an ogre mage flying about like a bird of prey. "Just what we fucking need." Iceal fires his crossbow at the flying Jap ogre and connects. He and Milo then have to scamper out of the way of a lightning bolt sent back their way. It misses, barely.

Milo then does an impression of a coil of rope as four ogres peer over the deck looking for some targets. Iceal runs into the cabin mumbling something about leaving the coffeepot on. Meanwhile, Ragnar is getting the hair gel knocked out of him by three ogres and is in mortal jeopardy. Tarn keeps felling opponents and his indomitable will and large testicles keep any of the ogre mage-san's magic from affecting him.

Milo watches as the four ogres start high-fiving each other, very pleased with themselves for reaching the deck of the Mudship. One howls as the cabin door opens and Iceal plants a crossbow bolt into a large (or is that huge?) ogre belly. However, for his trouble, Iceal gets a foot in his ass and has to close the cabin door again. Ragnar goes down under the ogres blows as Milo goes into "sneak-attack mode" and blows an ogre away with three shots to the throat. Tarn then jumps back on deck and puts a major crimp in the ogre's hit point totals. Milo then turns his attention to the ogres standing over Ragnar and sends some death their way. His interference keeps the ogres from applying a coup-de-gracie or a Coupe-De-Ville or something like that. Ragnar lies on the ground, his life seeping onto the ground.

Suddenly Ragnar sees the battle from a point ten feet above. He sees his own body lying on the ground, his blood mixing with the black ichor of the ogres as Tarn and Milo kill off the remaining opponents. He feels weightless, floating upwards towards a bright light...

...Ragnar sees a beautiful place, filled with bikini babes, hair-gel and fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. He approaches golden gates, which swing open before him. Inside, a mega-babe waits with a drink in her hand, urging him to hurry. He rushes eagerly forward but finds himself instead falling, falling, and falling, until he opens his eyes and sees Tarn standing over him applying healing magic.

"So close. Oh, so close."

The party employs healing magic like it is going out of style until the samurai ogre-mage appears behind Tarn and starts sticking a flaming katana into his back. "BANZAI! Domo arigato mister roboto." Only Tarn's supernatural senses allow him to escape disembowelment. A fierce battle follows with hundreds of hit points lost, but in the end, Tarn stands victorious. A quick search of the area finds the evil band's booty, so the party carts the stuff into the Mudship for appraisal and disbursement. Iceal takes the opportunity to bring an ogre corpse onto the boat as a "souvenir" he says.

"Ice-man's getting buggy I'm telling you." Milo says to Coltan.

"Keep an eye on him." Colton advises.

Later, the Mudship and crew are approaching, what on the map, appears to be a mountain lake adjacent to the pass, but won't make it there before dark. Tarn scans the pass for a place to dock (or is it park?) the boat when he hears strange music. He decides to follow it and comes upon a campsite where a hot female elf is piping a tune on a flute. Nearby a frickin' big-ass wolf with a snow-white pelt sits and listens to the music.

"My, what a strange sight to see in the mountains." The elf calls out in a musical voice.

"One might say the same of a lone woman in this dangerous place." Tarn answers. The rest of the party stare at the scene by peeking over the gunwales.

"Please, no ropers. Please no ropers." Milo starts chanting.

"Have you seen any giants, dragons, or other beasts worth large amounts of experience points?" Tarn questions.

"Not this day, but why not come down off of your wondrous craft and tell me your story that I may put it to song." The elf maid says gesturing to a spot nearby.

"Danger Will Robinson. Danger Will Robinson!" Milo starts repeating as he, Iceal, and Ragnar hunch down a little bit more. Colton decides to go back inside the cabin and try to win back the money he lost playing cards with Pauly.

Not one to refuse an invitation, Tarn jumps down and sits near the elf. He then regales her with tales (mostly true) of his exploits in the service of Kord. The elf listens attentively.

"Man I wonder if she's evil." Milo says.

"Must be some way to tell." Iceal answers.

"Uh, guys?" Ragnar interjects.

"Wish we had a wand or something."

"Or a potion."

"Excuse me,... guys?"

"How else could we scan for evil?"

"Beats me."

"Maybe we could use the paladin." Ragnar points out.

"Hey, I've got it! The paladin can do it." Iceal says triumphantly.

"Way ahead of you boss." Ragnar says as he focuses his dickie-eye on the scene below.

"She comes up clean, but the wolf is evil." Ragnar announces.

Tarn finishes up his story, and the elf starts piping a new tune.

"Here it comes." Iceal announces.

"That is my song of Tarn. Now why don't you give me the keys to your lovely boat." The elf says.

Tarn feels a wave of magic pass over him trying to compel him to do as she asks. However, Tarn's will is strong and his dice lucky, so he answers, "Here are the keys, BITCH!" Tarn summons his sword from his glove of storing and whacks the elf. She cries out and five more of the white wolves appear from the woods. Two of them flank Tarn as the elf pulls back and begins spellcasting. The other four wolves attack the boat.

Tarn starts whacking away at wolf-flesh as eight copies of the elf-maid appear. The other wolves cannot seem to bite the party members on the boat so they resort to a frosty breath weapon.

The elf maid then starts casting spells at Tarn to hold him in place, to take over control of his movements, to make him laugh uncontrollably, and to loosen his stool. Nothing works. Meanwhile the rest of the party whomps on wolf.

When it appears her wolves are about to be done in, the elf maid attempts to heal her own wounds, however, the hurts caused by Tarn's sword of destruction resist healing. Snarling in anger, she draws two daggers and attacks. Unconcerned, Tarn finishes off the wolves and starts popping images. Milo disengages from the boat and sets himself up to start nailing images with his bow. Iceal and Ragnar wipe up the rest of the wolves attacking the boat.

After twelve attacks with no hits, the elf is wondering whether Tarn is an illusion or a project image or something. She finally manages to heal her wounds somewhat and starts to flee as the last of her images disappear. Her unnaturally rapid pace tells of some magic aiding her escape, and even Milo's shot betwixt her shoulderblades fails to bring her down before her cunning allows her to escape. The party searches her campsite but turn nothing up of interest...unless you happen to be a whacked-out monk, then you find the corpse of one of the wolves very interesting.

The party decides they have had enough today, and retire for the evening to rest and recuperate. Upon entering the Mudship, they find Ragnar's and Colton's animal companions sitting on piles of Colton's stuff. Dressed only in codpiece, Colton warns his party, "Not one fucking word."

End of Part I